The real story of Elena and Stefan
by fuknuckles
Summary: After Stefan's "ripper" fiasco, Elena knew things would be different. How different? Well that came as a shock to all of them. This is a story of love and loss that follows new directions that are yet to be explored. The story mainly begins around season 3 and develops from there. I am hoping that it will be a long story so the Stelena will come! i just want to build it up first :)
1. Chapter 1

There had never been any doubt for Elena, Damon was fun but he wasn't Stefan. It was just a shame that Stefan had been diagnosed with a case of self imposed isolation.

After being released from Klaus's compulsion, they had all assumed that things would return to the relative norm although no one really had any idea of what that entailed. For Elena though it had certainly meant the return of Stefan into her life which was something she had been craving for months. Living without Stefan was like breathing underwater - every breath was a struggle. Damon had been there though, like an oxygen mask under the water. It was only a temporary solution though, eventually the oxygen would run out and she would be left gasping again. It had to be Stefan.

Although to say that Stefan wasn't in her life in any capacity wouldn't be entirely true - he had been there - to threaten to drive her off a bridge and through generally hostile interactions. He had been forced to turn off his emotions by Klaus which was one of the hardest things that Elena had ever witnessed. As the light in his eyes turned stony and harsh, every line on his face conveyed a renewed sense of menace - he was completely unrecognisable. She though t that would have been the hardest thing she would ever witness. But she was wrong. completely. That moment was far outdone on the night that she first crossed paths with Stefan after his release from Klaus.

_Elena:_

Normality seems like an unattainable goal at this point. Each day I find myself haunted by _his _presence. subconsciously I revisit our favourite places - but it is to no avail. I'm searching for a ghost, but even his spirit doesn't reside here anymore. _I can't let him go though, I Need to find him, to unshackle him from the prison he's been confined in for months. _Lost in her own thought, Elena had been wandering aimlessly down to the Grill where she was meant to meet Damon in an hour. Since Stefan's departure, she found it increasingly more difficult to find refugee in her home...her kitchen...her bedroom. Memories of their time together lingered, with a tantalising allure that she could easily lose herself in. That is, at least, until the shattering knowledge of Stefan's absence comes crashing down on her again and she can barely take it.

Head down, she marched forward assuming that it must be about time. As she navigated the sea of people walking along the snow dusted street she cautiously marched on. _One step after another_. Suddenly her feet fell out from under her on her she found herself barrelling towards the ground - face first. She braced herself for the inevitable impact but was surprised to find that that the ground wasn't as cold as she thought it would be... or as hard. It did, however, provide a type of relief that had been missing from her life for too long. It was like inhaling for the first time and not like before - this was clean, fresh air. That was at least until she pried her eyes open and found herself looking directly into _his_ eyes. They were different this time, the flare of life flickered behind them, illuminating them in a more beautiful light than she had seen in months.

"Stefan..."


	2. Chapter 2

_Stefan_

I'm an idiot. I should have been paying more attention. I should have smelt her earlier, but perhaps somewhere in the depth of my mind, I did smell her. Maybe my obsession with her had reached a climax to the point where I was now subconsciously finding her wherever I went. It appears that it's too late for after thoughts though, as her warmth radiates into me, chipping into the cool exterior that I have worked so hard to create. It hits me then suddenly, as I find myself leaning into her, I have worked too hard to push her away, there is no going back now. The look in her eyes is deceiving and I almost believe that all of the pain that I have caused her could be forgiven. But then I look at her. Really look at her for the first time. Her face is hollow, her eyes dull. Her hair lacks the shine it used to have. She is pale beyond belief and thinner than any healthy human should be... This revelation ignites a burning ember in my chest, threatening to engulf me completely and I'm suddenly grateful that I breathe at a slower rate than humans. In spite of all of the signs of distress that emanate from her, she is still like a shining beacon beckoning me back home. In that moment that of my utter adoration of her that I realise that she is leaning towards me too, her hand slightly extended towards my face. Apparently the months of endurance that I have had to suffer through have been to no avail, _her love is so pure... so forgiving. _But she is a hundred years too young to know the truth of my journey's with Klaus. The torment that followed me. The suffering... I needed to inflict the final blow. Apparently the rendezvous at the bridge wasn't enough.

_"Katherine..."_

The look of shock and pain in her eyes was enough to unravel me. There was such hurt and betrayal on her face, as if she was seeing me in a new light for the first time- like she had really and truly lost hope for my redemption at this point. Somehow subconsciously I think that I too clung to the unwavering faith she had in me, and that simple word had pushed the stake fully into my flesh.

As tears began to stream down her face Elena slammed her fist into my chest while struggling to get released from my grip.

"Just wait would you, you're-!"

"Let me go!" She spat, still struggling.

The shock in her eyes had quickly morphed into fury. Her hate for me was palatable. That look when combined with the menacing tone of her demand shocked me enough for me to release her immediately- an action that I regretted immediately when I watched her plummet to the ground and make contact with a sickening thud. What I would give to reach out to her and just hold her close. But that would undo all of my work up to this point. _This is what you wanted you idiot._ I staggered backwards, starting at my quivering hands. I had known that I was a monster when I was acting as the 'Ripper' but after watching Elena laying there, crumpled and broken, I had never hated myself more. Never seen myself as such a disgusting monster. I had to get out of there. I had to leave before her betrayed eyes sought me out again.

With all the speed and strength I could muster, I struggled against my immobile legs and dashed away from her as fast as I could. I kept pushing, digging deeper and deeper until I finally reached the cool embrace of the forest edge. As I plunged myself into the shadows the thought of her laying there in the cold snow sucked all the strength I had conjured in my legs and I flew through the air, finally skidding to a stop some distance into the forest. I lay there, unmoving, thoughts of Elena haunting me...


	3. Chapter 3

_**Authors note: **__** So it has been brought to my attention that I have accidently spelt STEFAN wrong in my first two chapters AND I APOLOGISE IMMENSLY! I have amended this is my other chapters that follow and I apologise again - I watch the show, I don't read it (hahah) ANYWAYY **_**I appreciate that so many people have taken the time to read this so thankyou everyone. Please let me know what you think and if I should continue with this fan fiction! thank you!**

Since that day, Elena had stop looking for Stefan. She had stopped visiting their places and stopped avoiding her room. This was life for her now, and she was damn well going to live it. That's what she told herself anyway as she buried her crumpled heart deeply beneath layers of fake smiles and "I'm Fine" s. The feelings of numbness and isolation she felt now were only intensified through their resemblance to how she felt after her parents death. _You're parents didn't choose the path they went down. Stefan chose this._ She reminded herself this daily, hourly almost. It was like a silent mantra that she repeated both to reprimand herself and to maintain her sanity. Elena's reverie was shattered by the shrill voice travelling up the stairs.

"Oh my god Elena! move your butt!

Caroline Forbes. Caroline had been Elena's best friend for years now. They had shared just about everything together, from mud pies to bruises to boyfriends (Matt).

"Look I'm not so sure this is the best idea guys, I mean-"

"No excuses! It's been months since you saw Stefan, it's time to wake up and smell the human blood. He's NOT coming back. "

"Exactly. And the best way to get over you're broody ex... is through someone else!" Bonnie concluded.

Bonnie was Elena's other best friend. The three of them were as close as sisters...Or at least they had been. Elena would never voice this to either Caroline or Bonnie, but being with them was a constant reminder of Stefan. Usually no one would mention him or even dare to think about him around her, but they were too deeply involved. Caroline was a vampire and Bonnie was a witch - _not exactly the best company to keep when trying to erase the memory of your vampire boyfriend from your head_. Elena mused. But she could never tell them. It wasn't their fault - and she was perfectly aware that she was being irrational - but her irrationality was becoming a defining personality trait for her.

Now was not the time for self reflection though, and clearly this was not going to go away. _It's now or never...!_ Lame inspirational quotes swirling around her head like _You can do it! _and _The only way to achieve your goals is to go out and work for it!_ as she made her shaky descent down the stairs towards her friends.

"Seriously, is this even a good idea? I mean, she is _clearly _not over _you know who_ yet. And seriously, like is she going to totally freak out and blame us because I am so, not dealing with -" "Elena..." Caroline stumbled over her apology and Elena simply nodded. Caroline had never been one for subtlety and Elena had wondered when the inevitable "_Caroline Forbes verbal diarrhoea" _would occur. After which she would spend the rest of the afternoon not comprehending what she had said wrong, whilst also continually apologising for something that was '_apparently'_ inappropriate.

"It's fine Care." Elena said, mostly to placid Bonnie who was still reprimanding Caroline. To alleviate the tension in the room, Elena took to the one tactic she was sure would work - "so...What do you think?"

"Gorgeous!-

"Yeah absolutely! you look hot!-

"totally!"

Bonnie and Caroline's incessant desire to amend all of the issues and wrong doings in Elena's life was so endearing that she found herself actually smiling for the first time in as long as she could remember.

"So... How do you feel? Are you ready for this...?"

They both stood in front of her, staring intently, as if they could spot the slightest movement to show her internal distress - they probably could. They could probably see just how much she did _not_ want to do this tonight. But nevertheless, she had no other choice but to move forward with her life.

The doorbell rang before Elena could answer so she settled for an reassuring smile and a firm nod as she made her way to the door. With her hand on the door handle, she turned back to Caroline and Bonnie for one last show of support- to which they obliged, both holding their hands up, fingers crossed and wearing a smile that would surely be hurting their cheeks.

With a steady breath, Elena finally opened the door and revealed Xavier fumbling with his hair in the reflection. Caught in the act, the fumbling was only intensified as he just about threw the bouquet of flowers at Elena. Despite being one of her high school's most promising new football players , he was just about one of the most self conscious and clumsy boys she had ever met. Both of them stood, staring and suppressing nervous giggles as though they had been thrown straight back into the third grade. The silence stretched out between them and Elena found her eyes being drawn to the old straw mat they were standing on.

"Umm..."He began to speak but came up empty. The silence carried on as he fiddled with his sandy brown hair, head down. He behaved similarly to Stefan in that way. Self conscious in an elusive, tantalising way. When he was nervous he would duck his head and avert his eyes. The first time that Stefan had truly opened himself up to Elena and had allowed her to touch the dark veins below his eyes fondly came to mind.

Xavier cleared his throat and Elena was sure that he had finally said something but she hadn't heard a word, not even a murmur. _Don't do this. Just go have dinner. it's Just dinner..._ Elena silently scolded herself for drawing the comparison between the two and she instantly banished the thought from her mind. But the seed had been planted and she instantly found herself more drawn to Xavier, more attracted, more comforted by his presence... _maybe they weren't all that different after all? _Except that Xavier was human and fresh and without all the history.

"Hah... Sorry - I'm sorry, thank you for the flowers they're beautiful. Shall we go?" Elena flashed him her most charming smile.

"I would love nothing more." Xavier returned her smile and grabbed her hand as they walked to his car. Xavier was great. Perfect even... In theory. But that gesture alone was enough to send Elena's stomach hurtling down the road of regret but she couldn't deny the tantalising hit of adrenaline that had been shot directly into her veins. Deciding to go with this newly discovered personality trait was an easy decision, it was far more refreshing than the usual, depressing developments in her life. With a mischievous smile she provocatively bumped her hip into his, observing the shock wave being sent all the way up to his cheeks where a bright red blush spread across. This ignited a flare in Elena as she relished in the power she held over him.

...This could be more fun than she thought...


	4. Chapter 4

_**Authors Note: **_**Thankyou for taking the time to read my story. Please review if you can, I would love to know what you think and if I should keep writing this or not. There is more to come shortly so stay with me folks and ENJOY! :)**

"I'll be down in a minute!" It was a Saturday night and Bonnie and Caroline had deemed it as _Sleep over / Scary movie _night. This had been a favourite occasion of theirs since the discovery of everything mystical in Mystic Falls. With their knowledge of the supernatural, the girls loved that they were never truly scared of the things that had been fabricated by completely unimaginative directors with no inspiration what so ever. The event itself had been created by Elena after she started dating Stefan and things became... hectic. It had been a moment where they could stop worrying about the real disasters in their lives and instead they could focus on the superficial things- like boyfriends and clothing and particularly food, always food. But tonight was different. Tonight's gathering was simply a ruse and everyone involved knew it. What had been disguised as a simple meeting of friends was actually designed by Caroline and Bonnie as a _Set all things straight in the world of Elena _intervention - where advice and subtlety would no longer cut it. Unfortunately for Elena, this hadn't been the first intervention they had held for "her own good"- and she was sure it wouldn't be the last.

With a deep, soothing breathe, Elena put on a bright smile and hopped down the stairs, taking them two at a time. As if to further reinforce her enthusiasm, she had on a pair of brightly coloured leopard print pyjamas and pink fluffy bunny slippers. Usually Elena would sleep in a simple, navy singlet and some shorts but they didn't emit a _there's no need for intervention because everything is chipper in the realm of Elena _vibe which would be absolutely necessary for her to make it through the painful inquisition that was sure to follow.

Bracing herself for the inevitable, Elena walked into the lounge room and chose to ignore the whispers she had heard from upstairs where her name was flung around frequently. As soon as they sighted her, both girls fell silent in a way that only reinforced Elena's growing suspicion and a weighted silence stretched on. To break the tension, Elena plonked down in between the girls on the couch and pointed to her bunny slippers:

"Look Care, I know you have a particular diet... so I brought you dinner!"

"Hey! Elena that was uncalled for!"

Caroline wore a stubborn pout and attempted to be angry while both Bonnie and Elena stifled their laughter. Playing along, Elena pretended to be remorseful and apologised for the "insensitive joke" which only increased the trembling in Caroline's lips as she attempted to keep a straight face. While stuck in that moment, all red faced from holding their laughter back, they all made eye contact and that was enough for them to buckle and allow the built up laughter and tension to escape in the form of an infectious, side-splitting laugh.

After some time, the girls finally caught their breath and wiped tears from their eyes. Elena could see the girls slowly refocusing on their mission for the night and the atmosphere in the room became sobered.

"Look Elena..." Caroline begun.

It was funny really, whenever they held these interventions for any of them, Caroline would always start - including when it was Caroline's own intervention in which case she would just begin to ramble on about the situation in question. Elena had decided that it was probably best because Caroline talked the fastest, meaning that she could get all of the "we do this because we love you" crap out of the way the quickest and they could get down to dissecting the issue to "help."

"We need to talk," she continued. " We are worried for you, and it's because we care that we need to step in... We do this because we love you..."

At that point Elena began to phase out and subtly observe her surroundings. As she looked around she realised that the house itself had not changed in appearance at all since her parent's death - but the feel of it was different. It was lonely. She use to wake up to breakfast, on the counter and ready to serve, people bustling about through the Hallway, fighting for the bathroom before school or work. Those things were just shadows of memories for her now, they seemed so distant. So lost in the muddled catastrophe that had become her life.-

"Elena! I know what you are doing- I know that face! Look we really are doing this for you but we can skip that part because lately, you've heard this speech a lot. And no. Before you give me some snide remark - it is not because I like the sound of my own voice that I - I mean we, do this. And no. Everything is not "fine" so don't even give me that load of crap."

Elena sat on the couch, staring at her thumbs like a child that had just been scolded for not doing their homework. The worst part about the situation was, it had hardly even begun.

About this time, Bonnie thought that it would be a good idea for her to weigh in. " So you know why we are doing this. It's been three months since you and Xavier started dating and it's not healthy-

"Not healthy? You told me to start dating again so I am and if-"

"I am NOT finished!... As I was saying. It's been three months since you and Xavier started dating and it's not healthy _or_ fair on him. You can't tell me you honestly like him or even close to love him. He is great and all and of course a total babe, but you can't honestly tell me that he isn't you _Stefan _substitute - can you?"

Throughout Bonnie's speech, Caroline had been nodding along in agreement, but as this question was thrown to Elena, so was both of their penetrating gaze. The unfair thing was, you can't lie to a vampire. Especially not when someone has just mentioned the name of your ex who the mere mention of creates a yearning ache in the pit of your stomach and makes your heart stutter. It frustrated Elena-this reaction she had to him. Of course she knew that Xavier didn't mean as much to her as she did to him, but that wasn't to say that she didn't _care_ about him. Which, of course she did. But with Xav, their relationship was fuelled by passion alone. In all honesty, she didn't really know anything about him farther than the surface details and the same was for her. Often when she was with him she found herself craving more intimacy, more _real_ passion beyond the superficial. What she really craved was for someone who made her feel good about herself. Feel comfortable and loved. Someone who she could be with for days and she'd still miss them when they left. What...or _who_ she really craved was...

"Look, it's complicated. It's just different with me and Xav. It's fun and light and it's what I need right now."

She looked between her two friends who were sharing some kind of scrutinising look that she knew meant they were appraising the sincerity of her answer. After a long pause, Caroline turned her whole body back to Elena at faster than human speed and shook her head slightly- causing her blond ringlets to shiver.

"Nope. We don't buy it." She stopped briefly to hold her hand up to Elena to halt her protests. " It _WAS_ what you needed. Before. Like say, three months ago? But now, no. You are using him and it's unfair. He is a great guy, even Matt vouches for him so this isn't okay Elena and you know it."

At the mention of Matt, Caroline knew she had won. Elena had dated Matt earlier during high school before her parents accident, after which, she dumped him. He had never done anything wrong - in fact he had always loved and supported her, but she simply wasn't the same person anymore and couldn't love him back the same way. Now Matt was one of Elena's closest friends but that wasn't to say that he was over her. Matt still loved Elena to some degree and he always would. It was for that reason that he had taken so long to warm up to Stefan. Matt's underlying feelings for Elena were common knowledge and it was because of that alone that Caroline had mentioned him to cement her argument. If Matt approved - then he was a good guy. Simple.

"Okay fine Care. You win. So what do I do?"

As they suppressed their champions grin, both Caroline and Bonnie hauled Elena off of the couch.

"What you do..." Bonnie began while marching Elena towards the stairs, " Is get dressed-"

"And remove those offensive slippers!" Caroline bellowed after them.

"And meet him at the Grill and end things. Okay?"

"okay." Elena conceded.

_TO BE CONTINUED (DA DA DAAAA)_


	5. Chapter 5

_**Author's Note: **_**Thank you again to everyone for reading and sticking with me! Please review and let me know what you think! There will be more coming soon.**

When Elena had called Xavier asking him to meet her at the Grill, she could sense his suspicion growing. But sadly, at the same time, it was almost as if he exuded a defeated attitude - like he had been expecting this to happen for a long time. Of course, this was not a shock to Caroline and Bonnie who had predicted it would turn out this way - and not with any witchy premonition either. Perhaps the way that she thought she felt for Xav was completely off? She had always tried to give him as much of herself as she could... but maybe that had never been enough.

Wallowing in self pity and agonising guilt, Elena again took a deep breath and steadied herself as she descended down the stairs for the second time that night - this time with a much less optimistic attitude. It was funny really. How the same action could be completed but be fuelled by completely different emotions. How to an onlooker, the action would look the same no doubt, but how they were completely fundamentally different. Like her descent down the stairs, or holding hands with Xav, or kissing him. They all felt so different from when she was with _him_. She had tried to convince herself that it was because he was human - _Normal. _But she knew she was only kidding herself, deep down she had always known, because if she really thought about it, when she did those things with anyone other than Stefan it was just plain wrong.

Bonnie and Caroline were waiting at the bottom of the stair - one holding car keys, the other with Elena's coat.

"So, think you can do this?"

Elena tried to think of a positive response that would inspire confidence but came up blank. So she simply settled for: "Well it's now or never."

The clouds had come out tonight. It was as if they knew something bad was going to happen. If only they could have talked and avoided the inevitable...

It was colder than Elena had imagined for this time of year. She had not long arrived at the Grill and was waiting for Xav to arrive. She sat in a quaint little booth in the centre of the room - just in case things got ugly. Elena hated herself for thinking that way, for assuming the worst in Xav when he had only ever been kind and patient with her. _Well, crazy ex 'ripper' boyfriends tend to put you on the defensive front I guess. _

"Elena..."

She looked up and was greeted by the embodiment of sadness. Looking at Xav like that, defeated, unshaven and with his hair in disarray - she knew this was the right thing to do. She needed to let him go and let him move forward into a brighter future. But knowing that did not lessen the sharp nagging pain in her chest.

"Hey Xav... Have a seat."

"Look, I know where this is going and I'm fine with it, okay? I get that you aren't over your ex and we can take it slower if you want? I can see that he hurt you pretty badly but please? I know I can treat you better than him. You just have to want it because I know I sure as hell do."

As he pleaded with her he reached across the table and grabbed her hands tightly, as if to say that there was no way that he was letting go. This action, in conjunction with his speech only intensified her guilt of course and while she did consider just letting things carry on as they had, she knew that this pain in her chest would not go away until she finally let him go from this charade.

But then she felt him. The pressure of his gaze pushing down on her. Suffocating her. _He's Here._ Stefan sat at the bar observing this encounter. He had been on his way here anyway but had seen Elena's car and couldn't help but see where she was going. As he sat there, watching that brat holding her hands, begging her, he couldn't help but feel smug at the mention of himself as "the ex " that she wasn't over. That was at least until Elena responded:

"Look Xav, you're a great guy - no a fantastic guy, and I have been so lucky to have you these last few months, and it isn't because of Stefan. I hate him. I hate him more than anything else in the world and I want to have nothing to do with him again. It's just that I don't think I am ready for anything at all, with anyone. I've never really given myself a chance to enjoy being single you know? And I think I deserve the chance to do that, and you deserve the opportunity to find someone who is really worth all of your love and affection."

Delivering the speech itself was much less painful than Elena had first thought. Perhaps it was because of the underlying truth in everything that she had said? Or that she had finally gotten to hurt Stefan the way he hurt her months ago. Either way, it felt as if a weight had been lifted from her chest and she could finally begin to breathe again. That was at least until her airway was blocked again- this time by a very intrusive tongue. Before she had realised Xavier had lent across the table and kissed her with a force that made their teeth clatter together. That hadn't deterred him though, as she attempted to protest and push him away he grabbed her face and pulled her towards him with equal force. The way he handled her was usually gentle and kind and this new forceful side of him scared her more than anything else that she had seen- which she of course knew was obsured with all the vampire/murder shenanigans.

She felt so powerless and pathetic as she sat there - futilely pushing against his chest. The kiss didn't last as long as Xavier had originally intended though and instead he was violently flung across the room. He flew, suspended in the air for only seconds, but it felt like minutes as Elena waited for the inevitable touchdown back to the Earth. He crashed into - or rather, through - a pool table with a sickening thud and laid with his head swaying on his shoulders. Elena gasped as she saw the pool of thick red blood forming beneath him. A nauseating scream filled her ears and she looked around for the source of it until she realised that it originating from her. She quickly threw her quivering hands over her mouth in an attempt to quieten it as she watched, waiting for Xavier to move. She was frozen in place, knowing that she should go to his side, do _something_ but she couldn't. She was rooted to the ground like a dying willow tree. She felt dejected from her surroundings - like an onlooker, a shadow of a person. People were bustling around her as if the world itself was moving in fast forward.

It had been so long since Elena had witnessed something quite so horrifying. She stood in that moment and it occurred to her - disaster will always follow Stefan. Horror and blood will _always_ follow him. Forever. It is his curse. She looked over to him, expecting to see remorse on his face, or at the very least, in his eyes. But there was not even a glimmer of it there. Instead all she could find was a smug sense of satisfaction as if justice had finally been served.

Sensing her gaze Stefan turned to Elena and was met by her palatable hatred for him mixed with shock and anger. He hadn't intended to do this. Just seeing her like that with that other guy...It had set him off. Add that to the fact that she was clearly struggling against him and Stefan just... lost control. His need to protect her ran deeper within him than anything. It consumed him. It drove him. It was his purpose and his desire. But seeing the look on her face as she returned his stare he finally knew.

He had lost her. Now and forever. She was gone...


	6. Chapter 6

_**Authors Note: **_**So here it is everyone, your first taste of Stelena. Hope you like this chapter there will be more to come. PLEASE REVIEW so I can hear your thoughts CHEERS AND ENJOY EVERYONE :)**

Elena couldn't stand to watch any longer. The smell of his blood lingered in the air mingled with the memory of what had just occurred. She felt beyond sick. It was as if someone had just reached into her chest and ripped her heart out. He would live, but didn't deserve this. Self loathing began to encompass Elena as the realisation struck her. This wasn't Stefan's fault, he was - in his own irrational way- protecting her. No. This was _her _fault. Their whole relationship had been a ridiculous farce of her own making. The worst part about this sudden epiphany was that she realised that at no time had she even considered Xavier as her true partner or her way of moving on. Instead he had simply been a toy that she had used to taunt Stefan.

The sickening feeling completely washed over her now, sinking her into a thick pool of dread. She had to get out. Gathering all the strength she could, Elena pushed against her reluctant legs and began to move out of the bar as quickly as she could manage. The cool wind slapped her in the face and she braced herself on her knees while attempting to catch her breath. She stayed like that for what felt like eternity until she could finally fill her lungs with just enough air to satisfy the stabbing pain in them. After achieving some regularity in her breathing Elena pushed off her knees and stood up properly. She stood there, speechless as she stared directly into Stefan's mesmerising brown eyes.

"Stefan I don't know what you are doing here, I can't even... I can't even look at you so just go."

"Elena... I know saying sorry wouldn't be enough to make up for what I have put you through. And I'm not just talking about tonight. That guy-"

"Xavier"

"Okay, _Xavier_ was right. I did hurt you beyond belief and I truly _am_ sorry. After I was released from Klaus I wanted nothing more than to go and be by your side. But how can I live with myself? How can I deserve you Elena? After everything I've done..."

There was a pain that ran deeper in Stefan than she had ever imagined. She could see it in his every movement. His head was ducked low, hiding his eyes - his most honest feature. His shoulders were hunched forward. His skin was pale and hollow. _He is broken. _Elena was shocked by this revelation, but was more confronted by the fact that her hand was involuntarily snaking around his arm and pulling him closer. She expected immediate rejection and braced herself for the inevitable...But it never came. Stefan stepped into her embrace and ducked his head into her neck breathing her in for the first time in too long.

It felt so good to be held by her. It was like coming alive again after an endless, agonising slumber. Stefan had meant to shrug her off but he couldn't help but be enticed by her warmth and kindness towards him. He slowly allowed his hands to travel down the length of her back, revelling in the familiarity of the action, finally resting on her hips. He pulled her closer to him and she obliged. Their connection was unfathomable. Without a word they were communicating so much to each other. Asking permission as well as expressing their longing in each gesture. They fit together like sugar and coffee - they could be apart but were so much better together.

But then it happened. Stefan realised what was happening and began to pull away. He could sense that even after everything Elena was on the verge of forgiving him and he craved it above all else... But he couldn't _yet._ There was something he needed to finish.

"Stefan don't. Please." Elena knew she was being pathetic, weak and everything else she had always promised herself she wouldn't become, but she couldn't let him go again after he was finally coming back to her after so long. She had assured herself that she would never become one of those "we" people but everything just felt meaningless and empty when he wasn't there.

She clung to him even tighter although they both knew that it was futile. Stefan was too strong in his conviction and pried her off of him despite her best efforts. Tears began to pool in Elena's eyes as she relived the pain of losing him again.

"Please. Stefan... Just stay..."

Stefan couldn't bear to see her like that, knowing that she was breaking, piece by piece on the inside. She had duck taped her heart and locked it away, but the strength of those shackles were no match for the heart wrenching pain that Stefan inflicted. He lifted one hand to her face caressing her soft cheek gently and wiping her tears away. With the other, he took her hand and placed it over his heart.

"I'll be back this time. I promise. Okay?"

Elena was sobbing now as tears rained down her cheeks, she was sure that whatever she said would come out as a jumbled mess. So instead she turned her head to kiss his palm and simply nodded, fully trusting in the words he had spoken.

...For better or for worse...

_**Another [DA DA DAAAA] ... moment ;)**_


	7. Chapter 7

Dear Diary,

I saw her today. well.. that isn't entirely true. I saw her... and then I followed her. I can't stay away from her anymore. These last few months have been agony but I had convinced myself that even if I wanted her back, there was no way that she would want me anyway. But today... well today showed me that there could be hope. The thought of hope, even if fleeting, scares me. I haven't dared to seek it in months because it is too dangerous. It is like heroine for a drug attic, I crave it more than I care to admit. But I can't be with her yet. The distance between us now makes me sick but there is no other way.

I have to deal with Klaus first once and for all. I grow tired of the power he thinks he holds over me. I am tired of the fact that he can compel me to turn my emotions off. He turned me back into someone- no something that I hated above anything else and I will never forgive him for that. He forced me to let go of Elena who was the single most important thing in my life and it nearly destroyed me. But more importantly, every single time she would find me along my travels with Klaus it broke my heart more for two reasons. First, being that I could see the toll it was taking on her, both physically and mentally. But selfishly, the second reason still bothers me the most and it is yet another thing I hate about myself - add it to the list. Over time, I could see the bond that the she was forging with Damon and it tore me apart. History had a way of repeating itself and I don't think I could survive if she chose him over me. But as I watch them interact occasionally from afar, I can't help but be jealous. They have grown so much closer now, she trusts him and on some level, loves him. Damon's unwavering love for her is certainly no secret either and I can see that he revels in their new connection.

It isn't just Elena that Klaus took from me though - He took them _all._ I used to be the one that everyone went to when there was something wrong. I was the sensible, reliable one. But now... Now I was a loaded gun. Everything that was said around me was coded or sugar coated. In a way, I think they fear me. Or at least they fear the possibility that if they say too much it will overwhelm me and I will turn it off again. The pain of me losing my humanity was felt commonly among our circle but if I were to _choose_ that. I think that might shatter them... and me.

I am tempted to turn it off sometimes and that desire shocks me. When Damon turned his humanity off after he thought that Katherine was dead, I thought him nothing more than a coward. He was escaping from reality in his own way and it was pathetic. Why would someone choose a life free of pain, but also void of love, joy, compassion? - it didn't make any sense. But I think I understand now. As vampires, we feel everything much more acutely than humans, meaning that guilt, loathing and pain are all amplified. The thought of losing myself was almost enough to make me turn it off... But the idea of losing _Elena..._ there is no doubt about it, I would turn it off instantly. I'm stuck in this never-ending spiral and I can't seem to find my way out.

I am lost. Each day I sit down to write my journal entries but it's getting harder and harder to pretend that everything is okay - that _I _am okay. Because I'm not. I am barely holding it together - struggling between my desire to see Elena and my self-loathing. But underneath it all is an unrelenting hatred for Klaus and it consumes my every waking thought.

I need to end him- then I will deal with Elena.

One day at a time.

One step at a time.

One breath at a time.

I can't control myself around her. But I can't be away from her either. I will have to choose one or another but the thought of either option - having her or losing her- terrifies me completely.


	8. Chapter 8

_**Authors Note:**__** Hi all, sorry it has been so long since I updated, had a major case of writers block, let me know what you think of my story/ this chapter. Appreciate all feedback!**_

After that day at the Grill, Stefan had made it is his sole priority to hunt and kill Klaus. Although he had absolutely no way to _actually_ kill him, devoting all his attention to find that illusive cure was all that held him together anymore. In the depths of him where he had before been consumed by his love for Elena, he now felt this relentless yearning for Klaus' blood - it dwelled within him like an insatiable beast who was just barely contained. Although, all of his efforts had still resulted in nothing so far and he could only deny his growing frustration for so long.

With a sigh Stefan absently poured another scotch and blood - his own personal favourite spirit and a regular on his menu at the moment. He relished in the burning sensation in his throat as the dark amber liquid trickled down it. Ironically, it reminded him that he was the balance between alive and dead - the scotch to compensate for his mortal short comings, and the blood to satisfy his undead desires.

"You shouldn't frown like that little brother, you wouldn't want to ruin that pretty face of yours, would you? Then what would all the girls obsess over?" Damon sneered.

Side tracked by the thought of his mortality, Stefan didn't hear Damon's approach. Thinly veiled bitterness seemed to a thing of his at the moment, or at least when Stefan was around. He even struggled to remember what Damon looked like when his face wasn't contorted into a resentful snarl. Damon's mood swings had also become more frequent than the changing of tides and it was wearing on Stefan's last nerve.

"Something you would like to say, brother?" He returned without turning to face Damon but injecting the same malice in his words as his brother.

"Oh nothing really, I was just thinking recently, what is it that draws people to you?"

"Damon, I really don't have time to coddle your deflated masculinity right now so-"

"No really, I was wondering. Because lets think about this. So you meet a girl and you fall in love and its... _magical, _ you couldn't be happier- How am I going so far?"

In response to the prolonged silence that followed, Damon began again, this time with much more enthusiasm as he could see Stefan's hand tightening dangerously around his glass.

"Okay so you've fallen in love. Then you go off and be the big FREAKEN hero that no one asked you to be, and you sacrifice yourself for your useless- but charming- brother who is also in love with your girl- Are you still following little brother?"

As Stefan's frustration grew, he simply turned around to face his brother and took one long menacing stride forward.

"Cool it brother, there are no lady's here to impress with your brawn and bravery. So anyway where was I?... Oh yeah, listen up, this is the good part. So while you are away being the new and improved _ripper_ with Klaus, here the screw up brother is, looking after your girl. Then as he spends more and more time with her, he begins to fall even deeper in love with her, and he can feel the chemistry between them intensify. But here's the fun part, while you are off massacring innocent people, so all the fun stuff, I am here with your girlfriend, who for the first few months, doesn't think of anything but saving you. But over time you see, she begins to stop focusing so much on that, instead she starts to enjoy _that_ moment, the moments with _me, _and it feels _good._ So then, tell me, how is it fair that-"

Damon's elaborate tale was silenced in his throat as Stefan's hand shot out and grabbed him so tightly the veins in his arm were drawn out like road maps- each one mapping the pain mirrored in his eyes.

"Don't be a poor sport little brother, I'm not finished" Damon choked out around Stefan's hand.

This ignited Stefan's rage further and without thinking he swung his free first at Damon's cheek with all the force he could muster. His fist connected with a sickening crunch as the bones in the left side of Damon's face collapsed and he was sent flying across the room landing dangerously close to the burning fire place.

Blinded by his fury Stefan lunged at Damon again, it wasn't the story that had infuriated him, it was the truth that lied beneath each word and inevitability the truth that was to come that he couldn't bear to hear put into words. Stefan threw one of his legs out in a swift kick aimed at Damon's ribs, but he was faster. He grabbed Stefan's foot mid swing and within a blink of an eye he flung Stefan's leg back, dislocating it and then was on his feet, landing an agile blow to Stefan's eye to match his own. Stefan tried to regain his footing but couldn't put any weight on his leg and fell down in front of Damon. He hated showing any signs of weakness in front of his brother, but more than that, he hated that he would never be able to beat Damon without a diet of human blood.

Undeterred by Stefan's weakness Damon slinked forward with a menacing glow in his eyes and a snarling lip and without hesitation, plunged his hand into Stefan's chest, grabbing his heart.

"How easy it would be brother. To end you. I always thought that what united us was our blood but I was wrong. It divides us. You and I can never exist in the same town, the same country, the same _world._ Sadly for you brother, I like this world and since you did a fine job in disappearing for months after being released from Klaus, no one would notice if you disappeared again. They don't _need_ you anymore, they need _me._ _She_ needs _me._

_"_Damon you are living a fantasy, she loves _me, _ you were just the sub to keep the bed warm at night while she waited for m-"

Stefan's words were cut off as Damon squeezed dangerously on his heart and a thick veil of sweat began to form along Stefan's forehead and upper lip.

_How.. how can this be happening? I've wasted months, searching for this cure, running from my past and now I will never be able to hold her again... Kiss her again.. _

"It's a shame I won't be able to finish the story little brother but I think we all pretty much know how this one ends - I guess you can just wait and see from the other side anyway." Damon taunted as he slowly edged Stefan's heart out of his chest, pulling on the veins and arteries connecting it.

"NO what are you doing!? Damon stop!" Elena cried from the doorway- a look of horror plastered on her face. Stefan edged his glance up at Damon's face and saw that the arrogance and menace that he wore moments ago had been replaced with a look of anguish.

"Elena...I-"

"Let him go, NOW Damon."

Shocked by the venom and hatred in her tone, Damon instantly released Stefan causing him to fall to the ground in a heap. The strength had been completely drawn out of him and he could barely open his eyes, he needed blood, _badly._

Soft hands caressed his healing wounds and warm drops feel from above onto his cheek.

"Elena, please just listen..."

But Damon trailed off as he saw her complete devotion to Stefan, the instant she walked in that room, Damon hadn't even been there to her - he was simply blocking her view of Stefan. Without another word Damon vanished out the door but neither Stefan nor Elena noticed. She slowly moved his head into her lap and ran her fingers through his hair.

"Stefan, you're injuries, why are they taking so long to heal?"

"Low blood." he huffed, " I haven't been able to hunt much because I've been... researching."

"Do you have any blood bags?"

"No... Limiting... the temptation til... I have it under control."

"Stefan you need blood, drink mine. You've done it before and I trust you so don't even start. You won't hurt me, I know that. so you have to trust it too." She said while peeling her denim sleeve back to expose her wrist.

"Elena I can't-"

He was cut off abruptly as Elena shoved her wrist to his mouth.

"Drink. It's okay."

Stefan looked into her eyes for any hesitation but was only met with sheer determination and ...love. So trusting her faith in him -misplaced or otherwise- he drew his hand up to cup her wrist and guided it to him mouth where his fangs pierced the skin...

_**To Be Continued...**_


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